Children and Your Wedding Day: My Perspective as a Guest, Parent and Planner

Children and your wedding day. There are SO many feelings and opinions on this topic - as a Chicago area planner and a parent of two toddlers, I have understanding of both sides surrounding this sometimes sensitive topic. There is much to consider as you make this decision, and know that you may encounter pressure to please on either side - read on for my thoughts and suggestions as you navigate this topic! The TLDR: I honestly LOVE and appreciate an adults-only celebration. In my opinion, this is the ideal, however depending on your specific guest list/family dynamics (specifically being mindful of your out of town guests), it may be worth exploring exceptions and alternative options as well.

First off, as a parent, whenever possible or in my control - I would opt NOT to bring my small children to a wedding. I view it as such an immense honor to be invited to witness a marriage/attend a wedding, and I want to be present in each moment of their ceremony while also enjoying the events to follow knowing that my babies are in good hands at home. Again, this is the ideal situation, however as a a host, there are unique circumstances to consider as well which I am outlining below!

Why opt for a child-free event?

Oftentimes, guests default to assuming that a couple's decision not to include children in their guest list is out of concern for keeping their cost per plate down. While this may be one reason, there are a variety of others that come into play as well and for any parent reading this, I cannot emphasize enough that the decision to host a child-free wedding is the farthest thing from personal to you!

A wedding processional and ceremony - whether lasting ten minutes or an hour - will be one of the couple's most precious, emotional, celebratory timeframes of their life. For this reason, the desire to minimize distractions and noises, ensuring that their guests and they themselves can be present in each moment, is completely valid.

Additionally, the events following a couple's ceremony often include heavier alcohol consumption, and especially as the night goes on, the environment may no longer be appropriate for small children. Parents who do opt to bring their little loves along to weddings will often leave before or shortly into open dancing for this reason (in addition to appeasing bedtime routines!), which again brings home the point that in a perfect world, parents attending as guests would arrange for childcare so that they can enjoy your event to the fullest. I would encourage any and all parents who have help available to treat a wedding like a date night - because it is! When else will you get to dress to impress and enjoy unlimited apps/drinks (and a dinner as well)?!

Possible exceptions

The caveat to this to consider as hosts: the majority of your guests who are also parents, (I can say from experience ;)), would arrange for childcare if they could. It is not always possible, especially in circumstances where a wedding is being hosted in a city that the parents are travelling into - whether they are not comfortable being away overnight from their littles yet, or they do not know (thus trust) anyone in the area of the event to babysit if they were to bring along their little travelers.

At almost every wedding I have coordinated, a bridesmaid or a guest (or two or three!) is a new/nursing mom and this situation requires additional consideration as well. Perhaps you do include small infants for this reason, or at minimum, flag these individuals to your coordinator in advance so that they can touch base with your friend(s) day-of to communicate rooms in the venue where she will have access to an outlet for her pump, some privacy, a fridge if possible, etc. I have done this before at many events and as a mom myself, I love knowing that I am hopefully taking just one little layer of stress away from parents in my same boat in this way!

The etiquette here can be dicey, however again as a planner, parent, and seasoned guest - I think it is completely understandable to set parameters so that only select children are included. Just know that this decision does have the potential to ruffle feathers! In my experience and opinion, this could reasonably include: newborns, out of town infants/toddlers whose parents will face a long drive or flight to attend, and/or children in your immediate families (ie nieces and nephews of the couple). This can become a very slippery slope, so just remember as with so many other planning decisions, it is impossible to please everyone. All we can do is our best to communicate these asks and expectations of our guests with kindness and transparency!

Should you opt to ensure consistent messaging across the board and not make any exceptions - and this is COMPLETELY OK - just know that a blanket child-free event may lead some parents in situations similar to what I described above to decline all together. And this, too, is COMPLETELY OK! As the couple/hosts, on the flip side, know that this is the farthest thing from personal to you!

If you DO opt to include children in/at your wedding...

Ring bearers & flower girls

If opting to have a ring bearer or flower girl, my biggest piece of advice to engaged couples would be not to place ANY pressure or expectations here. If they make it down the aisle, great! If not, totally ok. Depending on the ages and personalities involved, and you two will know this best, I would advise any couple to remain open to the possibility of last minute toddler nerves or emotions kicking into effect. In these cases, do not pressure them to walk down the aisle or pause the processional events waiting for them to calm down. Have their parent/caretaker on standby to take them to a side room to relax while the processional moves forward! When coordinating rehearsals, we always plan out and assign where parent(s)/caretaker(s) will be seated and prepare them to be ready to motion for/guide the children as needed. If a ringbearer and/or flower girl is part of a given ceremony, I always add a line to my own "pre-ceremony checklist" confirming that their designated items are in hand (rings, pillows, baskets, flowers etc.) and that each parent/caretaker is present and seated in our rehearsed location prior to beginning our processional.

On a personal level, we are extremely close with each of our (many!) nieces and nephews. When we got married, we opted to include children only because it was somewhat of a destination wedding, thus no one attending had connections/childcare options in the area. We had two ringbearers, three flower girls, and no regrets! It was important to me to include our nieces and nephews in some capacity in our day and to have them present in our family photos.

Working your little guests into your seating assignments: the idea of one huge kid's table with coloring and games is great; however, consider their ages very carefully! Generally any child under the age of 5 or 6 should be seated at the same table as their parent(s). If you are only inviting a handful of children, it would be worth texting their parents in advance and asking their preference as to whether their kids be at a separate table or seated with them. If you do opt for a kid's table, be sure that it is set in proximity to be in clear view of all parents' assigned tables as well!

I hope that you find this post informative and if you are curious for further input or to pick my brain, I am always happy to chat!

Photos by Courageous In Love Photography